Author: Susie Berg

As parents we all know how important self-esteem is to every child. It is understandable that encouraging self-esteem is often the last thing on parents’ minds if they are moving from one struggle to the next.

Client’s Quote of the week: Why do we (parents) just use good listening skills when our kids are upset? Why not use listening skills when they are in a good mood!

I’ve been working in family and child counseling for more than 25 years, and during that time, I’ve learned a lot from my clients. One lesson in particular stands out to me when I was teaching a parenting group about how to listen more effectively. During our parenting class, I started to do a role play with me as the parent and a parent who was acting as if she was the child. It went something like this:

Several years ago, my mom and I were packing up my basement for an upcoming move. I was in the zone of throwing away every useless memento and long-forgotten souvenir that our children couldn’t live without at the time when I came across an old newspaper. I wondered why a lonely newspaper had been saved and upon opening it I began reading the front-page headline story. It was about two brothers who owned a home- building company that were being indicted for some type of indiscretion. Still wondering why I saved the newspaper, it dawned on me that it was dated March 13, 1989, my first-born’s birthday. As I was thinking what a terrible mother I am for not saving the newspaper of my other children’s birthdays, the doorbell rang.

So far we have talked about 2 R’s: Reframing your view about couples therapy and recognizing the part you play. Now let’s move on to the third R: Resolve to move out of your comfort zone.

Before your first couples therapy appointment, ask yourself: What can I do differently than I have done previously? It may be something that seems deceptively simple. For example, listen more and talk less. Or it could be to speak up instead of continuing to keep the peace at all costs.
 
NOTE: Here lies where you may make a simple, but dangerous, mistake. Inadvertently, you may end up giving all of your power away to your partner… if you decide you are only a success if your partner changes. Therefore, you are basing your success on your partner’s response rather than basing your success on your own actions.