Forgiveness: A New Definition

“Wait. What did you just say? You have to be kidding me!” I said to our new book club member Mary. “What does that even mean: Forgiveness is not about the other person; you only have to forgive yourself?”

It didn’t make sense. I didn’t get it. And then, I listened some more.

“Forgiveness is releasing projections about ourselves that we put on other people,” Mary said.

Wow. It was as though I’d been hit right between the eyes. All my life, I’d assumed that the act of forgiveness involved two people, sometimes more. It could be between a parent and a child, between siblings, between friends or between colleagues. But what Mary just proposed, this concept that forgiveness is a one-person endeavor was something brand new.

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So I began considering it…

When I have thought about forgiving someone, it had to do with that person and his or hers misdeeds. It never occurred to me that with this old definition the act of forgiveness becomes totally dependent on other people and in particular, their reactions and responses.

I wasn’t sure about this at all and decided it needed further exploration, but the question became “where to start”. And then it hit me. Start with others.

I begin to think of people I’d like to say a thing or two to, those that had moved me to deep feelings of anger, hurt and disappointment. I’m willing to entertain the idea of forgiving them, I thought, but only if they are sincere when they approach me.

Oops, there I go again. My forgiveness becomes totally dependent on their actions and reactions.

But, what about everyone else? Do they think of forgiveness as a two-part deal or do they see it as an individual endeavor?

So do you?

When you think of forgiveness what characters play in your scenario? Who has to make the first move? Who sits in judgment of whom?

If you’re similar to me, I would guess the other person plays a prominent role—even in the smallest and simplest of scenarios when forgiveness is a possibility.

Someone honks at me for no good reason.
In line, someone butts in front of me.
Shel, my husband, comes home late for diner without even calling me first.

In the past, it has always seemed that others are the ones who need to be forgiven and I had to be gracious enough to do so.

Not any more!

I am beginning to think of forgiveness in a whole new way:
Forgiveness isn’t about others. Forgiveness is about me.

I keep on repeating the following phrase in my head, “If I spot it, I got it.”

Can I accept that what I see in another person is truly an aspect of myself that I need to first catch and then let go? I don’t know. I have been wrestling with this issue of forgiveness for quite a while.

But, I do know this much. When I have become conscious of an element of myself present in someone else, I feel liberated and free of negative emotions. They seem to disappear. And when it is said and done, I would rather feel liberated and free than powerless and enslaved to anger, hurt and disappointment.

Evonne Weinhaus, M.A., LCSW, LPC, M.A.T.