The Science Behind Falling in Love – and How to Develop Enduring Love

The month of February continues to provide a great opportunity to think about love. The essence of love is described in a variety of ways. For some, it is a splendored thing; for others, it is a battlefield; and for some, love endures. But what if you learned love starts as a chemical in the brain that eventually runs out? And when the love chemical runs out, the brain looks for other ways to know you are in love? Would you want to know more about how that happens and what to do about it to preserve your relationship?  

The Love Chemical & Its Effects

Let’s start with the chemical that is released and literally takes over the thinking part of your brain. Think of a time when you found someone attractive. For some, the feeling starts with a flutter in the stomach, or maybe some sweating, a blush of a cheek or a beating of a heart. When we notice those feelings, we react and say we are “in love.” But the actual sensations are coming from our brains in a form that scientists label the “love chemical.”

The love chemical is released the moment we find someone attractive, and it begins to travel down the highways of our brain. Research shows that when we are falling in love, our brain is filled with the love chemical and it is that chemical that makes us excited and happy. This same chemical also speeds up our heartbeat and creates a butterfly feeling in our stomachs. The love chemical tells us we want a relationship – and any part of the thinking brain that is trying to send us helpful, healthy messages gets pushed aside. Some of the messages that can be overshadowed by the love chemical are questions like, “do we have things in common?” “do we share the same core values” and “how well can we communicate with one another in times when we disagree?”

As the love chemical continues to do its job, we easily find all the reasons we want to be in the relationship. And then when our relationship becomes more of a pattern of expectations, the love chemical begins to run out. Around the seventh year into a romantic relationship, the brain highway that was filled with the excitement and love is left behind and the thinking part of the brain has to step up.  Now we are left with all those messages we might have missed while our palms were sweating and our stomachs were fluttering.

How to Counteract Missing Love Chemicals

So how can we prepare for the time when the love chemical runs out? The first step is to remember how you fell in love. How did you meet? What did you do? When did you experience your first kiss? Those moments remind our brain of the excitement we felt that started the relationship journey.

The second step is to recognize the emotions you are feeling now in the relationship and what those emotions are telling you. Can you tell a story how your relationship continues to grow and what you are doing to improve the parts of your relationship that create struggles? If not, that is a good place to start.

The third step is to formulate a relationship plan that can be supported each day which promotes healthy habits of love and belonging. A relationship plan takes time and should include ways to accomplish small successes for each of you. Accepting the plan with an eagerness to share in new or different thinking is the goal.

Relationships, just like individuals, need goals and purpose. With goals and purpose, who needs the love chemical? Goodbye love chemical and hello enduring love. You are a many-splendored thing.

Call for Expert Couples Counseling

Sound Mind Therapy can help you to create enduring love between you and your partner. Call today to learn more about couples counseling. Our therapists offer expert counseling services to residents of St. Charles, St. Louis and surrounding areas. Call us today at (314) 499-9144 or complete our online form to get started.

If you want to know more about other reasons to seek couples counseling, review our list of top four unhealthy relationship dynamics.