What My Clients Have Taught Me! Listening Effectively

Client’s Quote of the week: Why do we (parents) just use good listening skills when our kids are upset? Why not use listening skills when they are in a good mood!

I’ve been working in family and child counseling for more than 25 years, and during that time, I’ve learned a lot from my clients. One lesson in particular stands out to me when I was teaching a parenting group about how to listen more effectively. During our parenting class, I started to do a role play with me as the parent and a parent who was acting as if she was the child. It went something like this:

Child: Why can’t I be as smart as my friend Bobby? (generalized comment)

Parent: You’re annoyed that Bobby finished his work at school and you had to bring yours home tonight.

With these few words, You’re annoyed that Bobby finished his work at school and you had to bring yours home tonight, I was using two important skills.

Communication Skill:

Identify Your Child’s Feelings

This is your way of letting your child know you understand. Many parents know this skill as active listening, which was developed by Thomas Gordon in his book Parent Effectiveness Training. The idea is to repeat the child’s feelings so the child feels heard.

Communication Skill:

Nail Down a Specific Event

For this second ingredient, we have added an important twist to the listening skills. A parent can pinpoint the specific event that is discouraging rather than simply repeat the child’s feelings, or go along with his generalized feeling of discouragement.

Wow, I was moving full steam ahead- teaching the parents in my group how to handle the daily challenges of parenting- that I forgot a very important point until a father asked the following:

Why do we (parents) just use good listening skills when our kids are upset? Why not use listening skills when they are in a good mood?

I have never forgotten that comment- it was a simple and profound statement that I have shared with parents.

Fast forward 30 years.

Yesterday, I saw his wife at the JCC and his comment came back to me like it was yesterday. On a whim, I stopped and shared with her the comment. She glowed! Then said, “You know, Evonne, I still see him do that as often as he can!”

I glowed inside for the rest of the day.

When have you practiced effective listening as a parent? Comment below, send me an email (evonne@soundmindcafe.com) or schedule an appointment with me to share your experience.

You don’t have to be a child counselor to practice effective listening skills. To learn more about child and family counseling, or to schedule an appointment, visit Sound Mind Therapy.

Evonne Weinhaus, LCSW, LPC is the co-author of three books – A New Fearless You, Stop Struggling With Your Teen, and Stop Struggling With Your Child. She is also a certified Imago relationship therapist at Sound Mind Cafe and sought-after speaker. For more information about Evonne Weinhaus, go to Sound Mind Therapy.