Many times I have new clients say to me, “What is Imago Therapy?” I start off by explaining that the word Imago means ideal mate. And then, let’s just say, I don’t see the “Oh, now I get it” look on their faces. So I quickly follow up with my usual explanation.
“We unconsciously fall in love with people that remind us of our early primary caretakers. In the honeymoon stage, we only see the positive traits that remind us of our caretakers and after the honeymoon is over, then we see the same negative traits our caregivers had.”
And, let’s just say again, I still don’t get that “Oh, now I get it” look from my clients!
Recently, when I saw the following explanation from Harville and Helen Hendrix, the co-authors of Getting the Love You Want, I knew I wanted to share it immediately with you all.
“When we fall in love, we unconsciously choose someone who really is our soul mate – someone who perfectly matches the ability to create chaos.
“Funny as it may seem, working with couples for decades, this has been our experience. Mary and Joe fall in love. The qualities that Mary loves about Joe are his dependability, his ability to be in control. Joe loves Mary’s expressiveness, her vitality. Both love the aspects that they are looking for in themselves.
“And for some moments (perhaps a few months or a couple of years), both Mary and Joe feel complete. But once the illusion and dopamine wear off, the qualities that were once attractive become annoyances.
“Mary says to Joe, “You are so detached and cold.” Joe says to Mary, “You are an emotional rollercoaster.” Simultaneously, they recreate early wounding experiences. This is the moment of instability. It is inevitable and the natural progression for all relationships.”
“Romantic love binds us with the perfect partner. The power struggle awakens the opportunities that are embedded in couplehood to foster healing. Conflict is growth trying to happen. The challenges we encounter in relationship are actually opportunities for our own growth and healing.”
May I add, this explanation struck a deep chord in me. What about you and your partner—can you see a part of yourselves in this example?
Are you interested in Imago Therapy? This form of couples counseling teaches the skills needed to effectively reverse or prevent divorce. To schedule an appointment, call Sound Mind Therapy at (314) 499-9144 or complete our online appointment request. We serve residents of Chesterfield, Ladue and many other St. Louis suburbs.
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